Valentine’s Day originals

Today’s Guardian combines the Hallmark card with the Cosmopolitan self-help quiz in a love poetry moodmatcher feature designed to “spark tender feelings in your chosen valentine.”

(Hey, who knows, right? Maybe a single poem from “Sappho or Marvell, Yeats or Shakespeare” really can increase your chances of contortionist fellatio. Especially if you recite it in a totally original setting, like on a barefoot walk down a moonlit beach after dinner at Applebee’s, or in front of a roaring fire at the ski lodge. Be sure to have something like Grover Washington, Jr.’s “Just the Two of Us” playing on a boombox.

Oh, and if you want to continue living in exactly this sort of spontaneous way, follow Oprah’s recommendations for kick-starting your life, and then run out to the store and buy a copy of This Book Will Change Your Life Again! Or, ladies, if you’re feeling a little saggy, why not have your vagina reconstructed? You should be able to use it again just in time for next Valentine’s Day.)

I’ve said enough in the past about my lousy track record with the holiday. This year I’ll direct you to Lucius Apuleius’ ancient, feel-good love story (for real, except you don’t find out what happens after the drugs wear off and a kid enters the picture), a Biblical tutorial on flattery, and someone’s tips for conquering Cupid. (Last link via Bookninja.)


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