O, Canada!

Well, after some mild persuasion/threats, I’ve left off the archive of adorable baby animal photos with motivational captions, which will sadly have to wait for another day. In the meantime . . . .

Canada, it’s the new black

I’m an American in Canada. Now I find myself the target of much ill-disguised envy from friends at home. I’ve gotten more proposals than the Hilton sisters!

If you’re interested in considering a move, Salon dashes off this ostensibly stern warning, but somehow doesn’t make Canada sound very frightening. I am here to tell you what is frightening about Canada:

  • It’s illegal to put caffeine in Mountain Dew in Canada. Illegal.
  • There are no Targets.
  • Poutine. This is sort of a national fast food and is basically French fries doused in pickled cheese curds that squeak like Goodyear tires when you bite into them, then smothered in thick brown gravy. Unbelievably, it is delicious.
  • Canadians have been known to make giant poutines (is it a poutine, or a mound of poutine? If you had twelve plates of poutine, would it be many poutines, or just a bunch of poutine? Canadian usage experts, help me out here)
  • Sometimes Canadians write poetry about poutine. (The delightful maisonneuve, and poet Mona Awad, is responsible. Check out the photos and audio files. She makes it look so easy, so graceful. But people, it is not easy to write poetry about poutine. Be responsible. Don’t try this at home.)

That’s about it. There are many delightful things about Canada, which I can taunt you with endlessly. For now, let me just tantalize you by saying that the candy bar selection is far, far superior.

We certainly have our problems(the latter via the charming bookninjas). But it’s great living somewhere that’s quietly progressing towards some basic human rights, rather than working to legislate bias into the very foundation of the country.

Look, let me know if you’re interested in coming. I’ll throw my jacket over a seat for you.

Here is an American’s Guide to Canada, (including “How to Know You’re In Canada!”) just so you’re prepared.

But you can be like our Maud, and stay to fight the good fight. I shall be keeping a foot firmly planted in both worlds.


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