New Seattle library of death

The new Seattle library is breathtaking. According to The Stranger, it’s also potentially deadly in at least eight ways.

Seattle's new central libraryBy far the worst danger:

8. PATRONS
Also known as: provincial strivers; gawking REI-clad yokels; homeless drunks; obscenely wealthy 39-year-old retired dot-comers with nothing better to do (see also REI-clad yokels); people desperately in need of reassurance that the world is not passing them by as they flounder in a vat of tapioca pudding labeled “Seattle”; the odd book lover.

Description: Patrons are easily identifiable, even outside the library’s confines, by their breathless, incessant, near hysterical chatter about how rapturously wonderful the library is, or–and this is the truly terrifying part–how rapturously wonderful it is that real sophisticates in real cities are saying how rapturously wonderful the library is, thus confirming that the library must be extra-super-rapturously wonderful. A typical exchange: Patron A: “Have you SEEN the New York Times article? It was a RAVE!” Patron B: “Well, you MUST read the New Yorker piece. I almost DIED when I saw OUR LIBRARY in the New Yorker.”

Hazards: Migraines caused by sustained proximity to these people; irrational gibbering; a complete loss of perspective; a desire to toss oneself, or shove someone else, from the small 10th-floor lookout.

(Via That Brutal Joint.)


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