Literary pick-up lines

If you’re hoping to get lucky at Hemingway’s, a Denver bar, you’ll do well to avoid mentioning its namesake.

“Well, let’s just say if Ernest Hemingway came walking through that door right now and took a look around, he’d probably take out a shotgun and shoot himself in the face all over again.”

“Who’s Ernest Hemingway?” the girl on the right asked.

See also: David Barringer’s Pickup and Breakup Lines Inspired by the Styles of Seven Successful Male Authors of Contemporary Literary Fiction.

Based on the style of Dave Eggers, author of A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius.

Pickup: I’m a nice guy, but no wait I know I’m not the most objective critic about whether I’m a guy who is nice or a guy who is not nice, I can’t change that fact, none of us can change who we are, but I truly want to be nice, it’s like a passion of mine, a goal, it’s a pretty tough goal, not everyone can be nice, I mean really nice, a nice guy, it’s like an impossible state of male personhood, but it’s an ideal worth working for, and I couldn’t deny my desires even if I wanted to, I don’t think self-denial is healthy in most cases anyway, and I just wanted to be up front with you about all this, I wanted to be honest, which is part of being a nice guy, being honest, and if I weren’t up front with you about that, if I weren’t honest, then I’d be lying, I’d by definition not be a nice guy even as I’m perpetrating some other introductory pickup line, the implied subtext of which would, ironically, be to show you what a nice guy I am, underneath, but of course doing something dishonest just to show you what a nice guy I am is actually, if you think about it, showing you exactly what a nice guy I’m not, and I see by the reflections of the neon green Heineken signs in your eyes that you feel the same way, and I’m so glad, yes, now I’m a nice glad guy, thanks to you.

Breakup: I apologize for the delay in responding. It is my genuine intent to respond promptly and personally. I am sorry to say that you’re just not right for my needs at this time. Please consider me in the future if you change in any substantial way.

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