Amy Shearn presents “The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto“:
Memo: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Guy.
O.K., O.K., O.K., I know it’s five o’clock, but seriously, they needed this yesterday. This will take less than a minute, I swear to you, so let’s bang this out real quick right now, O.K.? Great — hold on — (Into cellphone:) Jimmy! Hi! I was just going to call you! Yeah, she’s faxing it to you right now, right this second. Of course I’m sure. O.K. (hangs up) O.K., so what do we have so far? Right, O.K., so. Ahhhhhhhhm. Ahhhhhhh, O.K., so we got Voldemort, right, the Death Eaters, you got that part already, right? What do you mean? Haven’t you been listening? O.K., fine, so Voldemort and the death eaters and the Dementors, terrorizing London, yada yada. Make it sound really good, really creepy. Everyone’s scared, you know, make it scary. O.K. Ahhhhhhhhhhm. Uhhhhhhhhhh. O.K., then, or, first, before that, Ralph Scrimihumma, right, Rufus, that’s what I said, becomes the Minister of Magic — Oh, and you got the thing with Weasley and What’sherface, Hillary? Right, Hermione, that’s what I said. We’ve got to make this good, so do you think you could please try to pay attention?