[6] See note 1 supra.

The Howling Fantods announce the winners of the David Foster Wallace parody contest. (Scroll down to read the winning entries.) Matt Keeley got an honourable mention for this:

The[1] car[2] pulled[3] up[4] into[5] the[6] driveway.[7] Daniel[8] locked[9] up,[10] and[11] went[12] inside.[13]

[1] Since the reader hasn’t yet been acquainted with this particular car, perhaps she would prefer the indefinite article be used instead.[a]
[a] Even though it’s obvious the car is definite-article-worthy, otherwise she (i.e. the reader) wouldn’t be reading about it.

[2] A blue 2002 Acura RSX. Though Daniel[a] often wished he bought what he had always heard called a ‘Weego'[b] a/k/a ‘driver’s ed car’ with two sets of controls (i.e. pedals, steering columns, &c.). Not because he was teaching driving or was even a bad driver, but because he always thought they looked wicked.[c]
[a] The driver-slash-owner.
[b] (or perhaps ‘We-Go’)
[c] The only other fantasy Daniel has w/r/t cars: the DeLorean, mainly for the stupid jokes he can make about going back in time when he hits 85[i] m.p.h.
[i] [sic]

[3] Or rather glided. Daniel takes very good care of his car despite not being a ‘car person.’

[4] ‘Up’ has always struck him as an odd term to use in this sense. Daniel’s driveway isn’t on a slight incline as most are, but flat with not even a curb to go over.

[5] Daniel also regards ‘into’ as he does ‘up’, considering that there is nothing to make an ‘in’ to go ‘to’.

[6] See note 1 supra.

[7] It’s not even really a driveway but more like a very short private road.

[8] Daniel J. Hobart (1975-2036?) has always liked his name, but never diminutive forms like ‘Danny’, not even as a child when such names are commonplace.

[9] He had a remote-control lock that made things easier. Or so he’d tell himself since turning around, putting a key in a lock and turning it until you hear the ‘snick’ could hardly be called ‘difficult’.

[10] Strangely, this use of the word ‘up’ didn’t bother him at all.

[11] He didn’t actually go immediately inside his house, but rather kicked a stone and dawdled a bit before walking to the door and letting himself in.

[12] Daniel never liked the way the word ‘went’ sounded, but it was still one of his most used words, next to ‘also’ and ‘um’.[i]
[i] Which is hardly even a word, really.

[13] (i.e. his house)

(Link via Beautiful Stuff.)


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